My recent struggle…

Lately, I’ve been experiencing my first REAL struggle out of this entire journey… It’s coinciding with the news of my recent announcement of needing a right hip replacement. Currently, I am going to physical therapy to prep for the surgery. This is new to me. I am in my second week and I’m going every Monday, Wednesday and Friday mornings.

I thought I was in shape… and last week when I announced the surgery, I was in a great place mentally. I felt as though this would be a breeze and I was going to recover quickly and become a new woman! But I’ve had 4 therapy sessions under my belt and I’m worn out. Basically, after just two appointments, I was experiencing pain and twinges of back pain that I haven’t felt in over a year. I went in to my appt on Friday and told the therapists that my back was starting to really feel the stress of the therapy and that I was starting to experience the spasms of yesteryear… but they just asked if I wanted another heating pad or pillow… and I just went along with the exercises yet again… Well, on that afternoon, I almost couldn’t move… I was in such pain.

With this pain, I went back to an old habit of wanting to eat to feel better… so I went to McDonald’s drive-thru for dinner… and then, obviously felt just horrible afterwards!

Saturday, I was participating in a Craft Show and my back was super sore, but I had made a commitment, so I went anyway… and once I set up (super slowly, mind you)… I took 3 ibuprofin… and sat down, near tears… I tried to be cheerful and friendly, but the pain was just near the surface… a couple of hours later, I took 3 more ibuprofin, but nothing was touching the pain and then the back spasms started… and at times, I just couldn’t move at all… it was horrible… When the show was over, I somehow managed to pack up and a nice man helped load up my car and I drove home in tears… I took 2 Aleve, had hubby rub some Bengay on my back and crawled into bed and fell asleep.

Sunday, I rested alot and it eased some, and I was able to get out and watch my son perform in his opening show of Guys and Dolls… but still not feeling well, I drove back through McD’s again for dinner… Uggh! Then it was just watch tv all night and eat.

Such a struggle when you are feeling miserable and in pain and then let your diet and healthy food choices go downhill completely, when you just KNOW that it’s the wrong thing and not even the best “bad” food… just junk!

I couldn’t even exercise like usual, due to the pain in my back…

I woke up to a new day and even though I’m still feeling not quite myself and as peppy and happy as my usual self (which is USUALLY very happy)… I still woke up with the effort of staying 100% compliant on my plan… and it’s bedtime now and I can thankfully say that I was successful! Thank God! But, it was a struggle… and I know that tomorrow will be as well.

I went to therapy today in tears, and today they listened (tears totally helped!)… We nixed a few exercises, replacing them with standing exercises and a few sitting exercises. I probably won’t truly know til tomorrow if it helped… but tonight, I don’t feel that bad… so, fingers crossed that it worked. Hopefully, getting rid of the serious pain will get rid of the horrible mood which will get rid of the bad feelings that I’ll want to “eat away”… and then I can start focusing on my healthy life again!

I sure hope so!

It’s just a number on the scale…

I have struggled with my weight most of my life, but there did come a time when I had a period of what some would call a fairly “normal” weight.  I had kept that weight off for a few years and had dated and enjoyed what came with being what society considered “attractive and acceptable”.  It was this time in my life when I gained self confidence.  I had never had it before (in my teens and earlier).  I had pretty much the low self esteem that I see on tv with every heavy person’s story, or what I read in magazines or books.  

Well, when I gained back the 100 lbs I had lost to get to that desirable weight, plus gained 100 lbs more, I had actually kept that self confidence.  At near 400 lbs, I was very comfortable in my own skin.  I never let the number on the scale define the person that I was.  

I’d have friends tell me that when they first met me, the first thing they noticed was my size, but then they quickly saw beyond that and then it wasn’t my size they saw.  It was me.  I wasn’t that heavy person who never wanted to be seen.  I refused to NOT be seen!  In fact, I LOVE being the center of attention.  Always have.  I’ve always been sad for my friends with low self esteem, because I do remember what it felt like… I haven’t felt it since I was in high school, some 30’ish years ago, but I remember.  It’s not a great feeling.  I don’t know how to teach self esteem.  I wish I did.  

What I do know is that the number on the scale does NOT define who we are.  I really wish that more people understood that.  We are much more than that number!  

One thing I realized and wish I could explain is that the confidence is something others are drawn to.  It truly does make one more personable.  When I lost the weight, I remember telling my Aunt… “Why are people treating me different?  I’m the same person!” and she replied with “You are NOT the same person.  You are MUCH more confident, you are much more happy, and it shines through.”  

I had to mull that over for a while… While I felt that I hadn’t changed at all.  I truly had.  Once I made that realization, I then realized how much more approachable I had become to the people around me.  It was interesting.  

Any thoughts?